Where is the line when it comes to interactions beyond the friendly handshake or howdy-dos at professional, work related events?
Working from home many of us tend to forge friendships at the same time we are growing our business relationships. It’s a natural fit to share personal lives when surrounded by our personal lives on a continual basis. Yet, when does it become ok to let the professionalism slide so far into the personal level that sexual comments, actions or suggestions become ok in the work environment?
I’ve noticed that bending the “rules” of acceptable behavior at professional events is becoming a growing trend. As a self employed business woman, I attend a variety of conferences and local gatherings to help grow and expand my business reach. I love to network and tend make friends easily. I do not, however, recall signing up for the “anything goes” list of participants, yet over the last few years I’ve witnessed more events where adult behavior has crossed the line far beyond inappropriate.
Working for ourselves, or attending industry events there are no sexual harassment policies we must sign. There are no warnings that “this content may be offensive to some viewers/participants”. It’s assumed that those participating on any level will behave appropriately. So then the question is, what is “appropriate” and why are there such a varied views? We set standards, policies and expectations for everyone to adhere to for everything else we do… except when it comes to our personal morals, values and ethics.
Corporations have sexual harassment policies to help draw that line in the sand and give a reasonable view and expectation of what is acceptable in the work environment. This helps to level the playing field for the varying beliefs and views of everyone involved. These guidelines generally don’t fluctuate just because the company activities change venues or time lines… the policies are just as valid for 9-5 Monday-Friday work hours in the office as they are for the midnight kiss hour of a company New Years eve party.
Before you read anything further please consider this…
Just because you are comfortable or ok with something, doesn’t make it ok for anyone else. We each have our own comfort levels and our own expectations of behavior, being aware of this and acting with consideration to those around you is called respect. If you don’t practice it already, you work on that, pronto.
Consider the following situations:
Situation #1
I attended an event where the conference “sponsored” party included not only topless waitresses, but a portion of the venue’s available entertainment was watching the topless waitresses have their bare chests painted… as part of their “work attire”.
In no way is this type of situation appropriate for a professional industry function when inviting a mainstream attendee list. This was not an adult content conference nor was the venue’s activity information provided ahead of time to potential visitors. In any other work situation, opening the door to for others to unknowingly walk through to this type of environment would be a form of sexual harassment.
Situation #2
Recently I attended an event that I have participated in regularly. I have friends and colleagues I enjoy spending time with. The event is accompanied by a variety of side activities and parties hosted by industry related companies. I found myself dealing with crude comments from men I wasn’t close friends with. I then discovered that my admitting my discomfort with the whole situation made me feel like it was my fault and I was blowing things out of proportion.
In this situation, I had let my business face down to enjoy time with friends. Did I open the door for crass unexpected comments? Does the change of environment from conference floor to after-party change the rules of behavior?
I can’t help but think, in this case, had my husband attended with me, would the same comments have been made? Worst of all, I found myself struggling between saying something or just pushing the entire situation out of mind pretending nothing happened. I have lost trust in those involved and will be less likely to get involved with them on any kind of business level.
The whole thing is wrong. You should never have to find yourself in an internal battle of right vs wrong. You should never have to blame yourself for something you didn’t do nor should you apologize for standing up for yourself.
Maybe my view is extreme, but why should it not be extreme? We each have the right to stand up for ourselves, to feel comfortable and safe. We also each have the obligation of being kind and considerate to others. We need to respect those around us and know the limits.
Here’s the catch: Innocent humor can easily be turned into something it’s not meant to be. Where is that turning point and when does it happen?
For me it came down to this, these were not people that have met my family, they are not people I send holiday cards to… they are not close friends. They don’t really know me any more than I know many of you who may be reading this. So their choice of words or actions toward me on a personal level were not invited nor ok.
There is a time and place for certain behaviors and even outside of the office, there should still be a level of professionalism in every work related event. Sexual behavior and commentary does not belong in a work environment. It’s a side of life that is meant to be more personal and private and kept between friends and family.
It’s up to each of us to protect the integrity of the business environment we work in.
Additional Note: I’ve received a few inquiries about which events I’m referring to in my above examples while others are assuming it’s one event or another. I attend a variety of local events here in Colorado as well as conferencesthat are out of state. I participate in events for a variety of industries specialties as well… Affiliate marketing, blogging, women in business, art or art licensing. My hope in sharing the above commentary was to bring light to a subject that is rarely discussed and happens everywhere… it is not industry nor location specific. All of the conferences I attend are informative and valueable experiences I would recommend to others… it’s the behavior of a few that tend to spoil the vibe for the rest. My goal was to help bring light to the topic in hopes that people might stop to remember why they go to these types of events to begin with.
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Hi, I'm Jen Goode. I'm a work-at-home mom of 3, an artist, internet geek and business owner. I am a multi-tasking idea girl with a seemingly big lack of focus. Reality is, I play in many different directions, constantly. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
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Jen, you hit the nail on the head here!
I think part of the bad behavior in small groups stems from the fact that it’s a mix of people we know well and a few that are more aquaintances than friends. We joke and tease with the friends and the aquaintances think it’s ok for them to behave likewise. Only problem is that there is a HUGE difference between knowing someone for ten years and knowing someone for ten minutes. Some people don’t understand where that line in the sand falls.
As someone who also attends a lot of conferences, I love having my husband there along with me just for this reason. The comments and the leers are much fewer and I always have someone to walk me back to the hotel which after dark in a strange city is always a must in my book. I think many of us women are so used to being vigilant about ourselves in so many other situations that it catches us completely off guard when things like this occur at professional events while discussing business and catching up with old friends.
Agreed
What you describe is nothing new its common. I suspect the events you attended were either small or you didn’t get an invite to them.
My first professional event was in 2003. was invited to a party by a japanese company that will remain nameless but they have over a billion dollar revenue and are known around the world.
Their party included strippers, hookers you name it they had it.
A lot of companies think its a mans world still, and a lot of companies allow their young marketing people with liberal view points to plan these events with out thinking of who is attending.
I couldn’t agree more. Many people forget that tradeshows are just an extension of the workplace environment. If it is inappropriate at the office, it is inappropriate at the conference. Both of the situations you mentioned are clearly inappropriate in both the office and the tradeshow.
I’m with you 100%. I have long since given up complaining to organizers about events that are more like expensive frat parties than any sort of professional networking event, and the one-upmanship of companies seems to just get worse year after year. I too have seen “painted” cocktail waitresses at parties and been frankly appalled: if I want to go to a strip club, I’ll go, but that’s certainly NOT something I expect to see at a sponsored event from a conference or workshop.
Is this where the Golden Rule applies again? You know, don’t inflict upon others what you wouldn’t want to experience yourself? No, it probably doesn’t, because there are clearly some people at these events who are enjoying themselves (and talk with the women who work these parties, even the fully attired staff, and you’ll find that they’re touched, hit on, and harassed all the time. “It’s just part of the job”. Ugh)
But I’ll also say that it’s not just men who are the culprits here. I know that there are also parties organized by women that have the same inappropriate overtones for professional, business events. Just sayin…
Awesome food for thought Jen and very good points/questions. Sometimes as self-employed individuals I think some relax past the extent of what they should. Also, sometimes that fine line between what is sexual harassment and what isn’t (regardless of whether there is a defined/signed policy for it) is hard to determine. Some people that I’ve met in the past take it to a huge extreme and cry sexual harassment over ridiculous things. But one rule that I’ve tried to live by is if I have to question whether something I say or do could be construed as sexual harassment, its best to not say/do it.
At any rate, I commend you on the courage and thought put into writing on such a delicate topic. Your willingness to address the topic and bring it up for conversation is a definite sign of your business integrity! Way to go Jen!
Well said, Jen. I’m sorry the situations in your post were real and you had to experience them.
While rare, I too have been surprised at some of the unprofessional things I have seen within industry-sponsored social functions (and that is even after skipping some I was sure would get out of hand). For some people, the combination of free alcohol, dark lights, and loud music seems to bring out the bad and that should never be tolerated — industry function or otherwise. Good job pointing this out!
I appreciate you shedding light on this problem. Sexual harassment is never the fault of the recipient and they are always right to point it out.
Thank you all for the great feedback. I wondered when I posted what kind of reaction I would get. While my examples are not extreme by any means, I think that just like any problem… it’s the small issues that get ignored that result in larger problems we find ourselves wondering “how did it get this bad?”. I’d like to see a change from awareness now, rather than an issue later.
Way to go Jen. Not enough people these days raise a voice to what is wrong, and that is why so many things that where unacceptable 40 years ago are the norm now.
My big problem is that when I see someone that I have respect for get drunk and act stupid it’s hard to get that out of my mind and hang on to the respect. The same would go for anyone man or woman that was encouraging and enjoying the acts that you describe.
WHOA MICHAEL… to say that the described events were small or that Jen didn’t get invited to the events she described implies that she has no right to be offended at what went on there once she got to the party. I completely disagree with that. I can say that I was at her Situation 1 party as well and it was a large party that was even endorsed as an official party by the conference organizers. No one knew that when we showed up for what we assumed would be drinks & networking that there’d be mostly naked women there getting body paint serving small shots on trays. In my opinion, it’s not something anyone should expect to see at a party organized around professional networking like a conference.
@John Powel – yes, at said Situation 1 party, I saw people in our industry, who I’d previously respected, leering and taking photos with their camera phones and it made me lose a little respect for them based on their behavior in what should be a rather professional setting. So I completely agree with your point.
Just because it’s a party does not mean it’s an excercise in debauchery & people should forget that, by & large, their employers are paying for them to be in town for BUSINESS.
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